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Author Topic: A Farewell Cup of Tea  (Read 25 times)
Nephtys
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A Farewell Cup of Tea
« on: February 10, 2008, 02:39:58 PM »

Same as in the word list thread, only up for C&C this time around. Have at it!

A farewell cup of tea

Two mugs in opposition locked,
Ceylon tea inside and brooding wisps
of steam construct a bitter bridge
bricked by silences and sips.

On the box a tiger threatens,
on the wall a clock. She looks
him in the eyes, he does not dare;
they have each other by the tail.

He wants amends, brings violets,
she refuses to accept the lie.
So he just goes, his bag weighed down
with heavy stones. They each bear

another pretty name.

/EDIT
« Last Edit: February 11, 2008, 10:03:29 AM by Nephtys » Logged

Ki-chan
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Re: A Farewell Cup of Tea
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2008, 11:47:00 PM »

Oooo, I love this. Just a thing or two I had a question about though, and you'll have to excuse me if they are stupid questions, because I just got off work and my mind is still frozen.

"wisps of smoke" threw me off because I thought we were talking about tea and suddenly we jump to smoke. Do you mean steam, perhaps, or are we talking something like cigarette smoke? If so, I think we need a better connection, or perhaps a better severance from one idea to another, because the way it flows, it leads me to believe the tea is the one with brooding wisps of smoke, which does not make much sense.

What do the stones in his bag represent? I can understand a lot of the other imagery, but that one I'm stuck on. Sorry again if I'm asking questions for obvious answers, but humor my poor tired brain.

Otherwise I thought it was fantastic, bitter yet delicious.
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I know in my heart
I've fallen into a home
of wingless angels.
The people I love
the memories I have here
I'll never forget.
Nephtys
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Re: A Farewell Cup of Tea
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2008, 10:02:44 AM »

Quote from: ki-chan
you'll have to excuse me if they are stupid questions

Nah, they're alright questions, don't you fear.

Quote
wisps of smoke
wisps of steam indeed. it's the tea. I'll change it.

Quote
What do the stones in his bag represent?
The guilt of the girls he's cheated on her with. Some flower symbolism has the violet down for faithfulness - hence she refuses to accept them, as they are a lie. Another hint is that each stone bears a 'pretty name'. Too opaque? If so, I'd gladly rewrite it.

Quote
Otherwise I thought it was fantastic, bitter yet delicious.
Thanks a lot.
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