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Author Topic: Written in Smoke - Poem  (Read 103 times)
Nephtys
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Written in Smoke - Poem
« on: October 23, 2007, 08:14:11 PM »

The usual comments and criticisms would be appreciated. On top of that, I don't think I'm happy with the title, so I wouldn't mind hearing what other people make of it.

***

Written in smoke

The light, so cold and white, it hums above
and, ground to numbers, slowly dies white chalk:
The teacher preaches lessons without love.
But now we hear, we cheer the bell.

The pond crouches, hides beyond the skinny
trees just out of sight from court like some
delinquent fugitive. As well it should,
for here we gather with our smuggled ware:
small lighter, set rebellious flame to cigarette
ends. Freedom wafts and mingles
with autumn mist above the greenish pond.

She stands apart, fag pierced by black-dyed
nails, crimson stains on yellow filter. Grey
waves unfurl and lazily wrap their fingerless
hands around my head. I’m drawn to her.

She looks
down on me, she
laughs at me, but she doesn’t
refuse me.

She sets me alight, I take a deep
breath. And cough. Laughter.
It tickles my throat, and scratches,
makes me want to cough again -
with pleasure.

Light of head, the sparkles
seem remarkable, as does
her fiery hair. I swallow
smoke. It whirls nervous in my tummy.

Inhale again, refuse to give
up, I sigh instead, exhale bitter-
sweet fumes. They softly
caress her face.
Logged

I have been assured that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal
Nephtys
Love cake
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scd cult

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Posts: 1657


I have t3h connection, biatch!


Re: Written in Smoke - Poem
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2007, 08:05:22 PM »

Some tweakage. Not a whole lot, but... eh.

Written in smoke

Cold and white hums the light above my head
and, ground to numbers, slowly dies white chalk:
The teacher preaches lessons without love.
And now I cheer the bell. Outside,

the pond crouches, hides beyond the skinny
trees just out of sight from court like some
delinquent fugitive. As well it should,
for here we gather with our smuggled ware:
small lighter, set rebellious flame to cigarette
ends. Freedom wafts and mingles
with autumn mist above water – green
as I am.

She stands apart, fag pierced by black-dyed
nails, crimson stains on yellow filter. Grey
waves unfurl and lazily wrap their fingerless
hands around my head. I’m drawn to her.

She looks
down on me, she laughs
at me, but she doesn’t
refuse me.

She sets me alight, I take a deep
breath, and cough. Laughter again.
It tickles my throat, and scratches,
makes me want to cough
with pleasure.

Light of head, watch the sparkles:
they seem remarkable, as does
her fiery hair. I swallow smoke.
It whirls nervous in my tum.

Another inhale, refuse to give
up, instead I sigh, bitter-
sweet fumes. They softly
caress her face.
Logged

I have been assured that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal
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Re: Written in Smoke - Poem
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2007, 06:39:48 PM »

not sure why you don't enjoy your title. it seems good to me.

much of the poem the lines convey a definite image in my head, but the second line "and, ground to numbers, slowly dies white chalk" i didn't catch what you wanted to say. you could rephrase it to show what you want to.

the last line in the second stanza doesn't need the phrase "green as I am". the sentence it's in is well done and the phrase feels like it doesn't belong.

the 4th stanza is explainable, but i suggest refining it. the rest of the poem is really good and that stanza didn't hit the same standard that the rest of the poem works in.

i liked the poem. each word you put in seemed like they fit just right. it's a good feeling to feel when reading a poem.
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